Originally appeared in the Oh Beloved One Edify issue from September/October 2020. Article written by Anna McCauley.
Have you ever needed to rebuke a friend? Rebuking is pretty harsh, isn’t it? And yet, when necessary, we’re supposed to rebuke our friends or relatives . . . in love. It’s almost an oxymoron. But sometimes we see someone we love falling into a sin or habit we know is wrong or harmful.
If we truly care about them, we should want to address that with them, right?
It isn’t loving to sit back and remain silent while we allow a close friend or family member to continue in something we know is harmful to them.
For some people, storing up the courage to call out a friend on a wrongdoing can be the hardest part . . . but what about those of us who are bold enough to feel comfortable having those hard conversations?
You know the type—or maybe you are the type. You’re able to speak up about things that matter to you, and you’re not timid when it comes to hard situations.
If you’re a bold person who has no problem speaking their mind, the trouble with rebuking comes when you try to rebuke someone in a way that is loving, not condescending or shaming. It’s a tricky situation; no one likes to be called out when they’ve done something wrong, and if you don’t do it delicately, the situation can quickly escalate.
However, I firmly believe that it is completely possible to rebuke a friend lovingly . . . even if you’re bold and maybe a bit outspoken.
There are a few things that you can keep in mind when facing one of these difficult conversations with a friend. These have really helped me when I’ve struggled with this whole rebuking thing.
1. Pray.
The first thing to do in this situation (as well as any situation in life) is pray. I can’t stress this enough. Take just a moment to talk to God. Tell Him about the situation and ask for His guidance. Ask that He would help you to navigate the conversation in a loving, patient, and humble manner. Pray that the other person would be receptive and that your words would gently correct, not hurt them.
2. Be humble.
Secondly, be sure to be humble when rebuking someone. We’ve all sinned and made mistakes, and no sin is worse than another. Even if you can’t relate to the situation at hand, be sure to communicate in a way that portrays the fact that you are a sinner merely seeking to help another sinner out . . . not a perfect saint helping someone inferior.
3. Be aware of tone.
Believe me, when you speak in a condescending tone, it is never received well. Be really aware of your tone. Tone can make a world of difference.
4. Communicate.
Last but not least, be sure your friend knows why you decided to reach out and address this issue with them.
Communicate to them that you’re speaking out of love, you care enough to rebuke, and you love them too much to let this issue go without speaking up.
Be sure you can also communicate clearly why the sin, habit, etc. in question is a problem in the first place—it helps to have a solid foundation/reason for bringing it up in the first place.
Rebuking is never easy, but if you approach the situation with thoughtfulness, gentleness, and patience, the conversation can be navigated in a way that truly is helpful and loving. As with all things, we are to be deeply rooted in love when we see the need to rebuke a friend.
